being content in all things

"I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:12-13)

Paul penned these words in prison, for being hated for the gospel of our Lord Jesus. I don't know about you but the worst that happened to me as far as persecution is that I got laughed, called stupid, and another time I was told I would be punched if I didn't shut up. To me these are minor compared to what Jesus or the apostles when through for the gospel. I say all this cause I don't see paul being this way at the beginning; he was seemingly more of a forceful and impatient man from what we see in the scriptures. Just check out his wording of his first letter to the Galatians (false teaching seemed to bring out his frustrations more then normal situations so I understand him being a little more straight forward then other situations) compared to his later writings; like 1 Corinthians compared to 2 Corinthians, 1 Timothy compared to 2 Timothy. There is also his dealing with Mark, in Acts 15:36-41 he wants nothing to do with him compared to 2 Timothy 4:11 where he asks for Mark to come to him.

All these show Paul in a way that is a little more content with God being in control and I would say his ability to love in ways that come only through personal experience. I had to teach for a moment to help my point that true contentment only comes through time and from the experiences of life as we walk with Jesus. About a week ago I was asked if I would be content with my life if I never entered vocational ministry or got married to a godly women (two things I personally desire). I won't go to deep into any deep personal reflections unless I see necessary, but that question got me thinking about me as a man and my walk with the Lord Jesus.

The question made me think in two ways; 1) about having just a regular 9-5 style job (not that this is a bad thing) and being a normal guy not "called" by God and 2) being alone for the rest of my life. First of all these are both wrong statements, but more so I was placing my contentment in ministry and a future wife; neither of which is promised! This is never a good thing for anyone, but for me I was looking for these to make me who I am/was. So it came down to my identity in these things that are not promised, worldly ideologies and not in who God is and what God has spoken over me in this life.

All that I knew and lived by was slowly being shaped by these two thoughts in my mind and not by the Holy Spirit and God's word. I would live by these desires and am in the past few weeks looking to God  shaping me and my life. I became addicted to what I wanted (marriage and ministry) and if it didn't seem to be going that way I would throw and adult temper tantrum towards God. In relation to my last post I was living bitter because I didn't get what I wanted. Living with a resentful attitude towards God and what he didn't give me was very unhealthy for me as a human but more so as a Christian.

I will end with a quote from the scriptures (Psalms 73:25-26)..."Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth besides you, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and heart my fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" and Henri Nouwen (The inner voice of Love; Pg. 24)....."Every time you do something that comes from your need for acceptance, affirmation or affection and every time you do something that makes these needs grow, you know that you are not with God. These needs will never be satisfied; these will only increase when you yield to them, but every time you do something for the glory of God, you will know God's peace in your heart and find rest there"

bitterness (this was not easy to write)

Soooo, yeah. Its been a while again since I wrote. I'm sure you weren't sitting on the edge of your seat or anything but here goes anyways.

I have been going through a new season of dealing with issues that have never been looked at or dealt with in a healthy way. Here's a little back ground with some disclosure or personal things. I've been on staff with a church in Colorado Springs for about 8 months now and about 2 months ago the lead Pastor noticed that I wasn't myself (his words). He said I was seeming like something was wrong. I agreed with him and we chatted for a couple hours and made some decisions about me and taking a sabbatical. Since I have been doing ministry for about 8 years without a break, for even while a student at Nyack college I was working as a young adult pastor, RA and started a student lead ministry on campus. Basically I never stopped going for the past 8 years. I never really had time to rest in God as the psalms say "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalms 40:10). I knew God theologically but never personally in the sense that I could pour out my heart to Him. This has slowly changed over the years but I got in the way and need to get out of Gods way and just show up as my Pastor said this morning.

All this said I had poured out my personal frustrations onto everyone around me, even and mostly those people that cared about me most. In the letter Paul wrote to the Ephesians he says "Let all bitterness.....be put away from you" (4:31). I was allowing all my years of bitterness towards my situations, life and family guide my direction and leading me into a habitual attitude towards people. My bitterness was being shown towards all people which was all because of lack of being content with God's direction for my life. I was struggling with trusting and being accepting of God's plan for me as His beloved child. I was living as though God never changed me, for this desire for more was running my life but not the Spirit of the living God.

Before I go any further I want to share a quote from Henri Nouwen in his book The Inner Voice of Love that I came across today while reading. It says, "You have to weep over your lost pains so that they can gradually leave you and that you can become free to live fully in the new place without melancholy or homesickness". This blog is part of my weeping process. This quote hit me like a ton of bricks, since I have been looking over weeping in a healthy way so that I can move past them into freedom. I love where Galatians 5:1 talks about Christ dying for our freedom and that because of this we should not be bound by the same sin he freed us from; WOW! I new light on a scripture I preached on in homiletics class in college, either that or I forgot; which I'm kinda good at doing.

No matter what the reason, God's word is living and active as is His Spirit. I am going through some things with my mentor that I hope and pray you who read this will join in with me so that I can walk in the freedom that Jesus longs to bring for me. I need to just daily walk by the Spirit and not in the chains that Jesus died to break. I have to say this is my most personal post but one that I needed to post so that I can move past this all. Thank you for your support of my growth in whatever way you help!